Stern Report on Cost of Naked Cyclists to UK Economy

Today Sir Nicholas Stern, a respected UK economist, issued a report predicting serious impacts to the British economy from the increasing number of naked bicycle rides through British town centres. “If governments act immediately and decisively to avoid the rising tide of naked cycling, we will avoid the worst impacts of this worrying trend.” Known as the World Naked Bike Ride, these events are intended to draw attention to problems of oil dependence and climate change. They began in Spain in 2004 and have been spreading throughout the world at a rate that has alarmed scientists. According to Philip Petrole, a scientist with the Royal Academy on Public Decency, “we predicted the current levels of push-bike nudism for the year 2020. We are very concerned that these dangerous and socially destabilizing events could potentially continue throughout the year due to increasing winter temperatures associated with global warming.”

 

Central to economists concerns is the potential extinction of the Chelsea Tractor Mum (CTM), an economic powerhouse driving the success of the UK High Street. According to latest research, as well as anecdotal evidence, there is reason to worry that recent naked rides through the Broadmead Shopping Centre in Bristol, have disrupted a crucial habitat for this species. One CTM recently commented, “It was absolutely horrible. I’ll never come back here again….dozens and dozens of muscley naked toned bodies exposing themselves. I’m still having nightmares about those bulging calfs and toned thighs….” Biologists believe that when confronted with a group of naked cyclists, CTM’s enter an uncomfortable state of cognitive dissonance, comparing the cyclists’ healthy toned and tanned bodies, big grins, and the sudden manifestation of safe, healthy communities with their own life of frustration shuttling the kids everywhere, sitting in traffic gridlock, and constant fear that one of their own obese offspring will be squashed by their Land Rover one day.

 

Panicking capitalists are now attempting to lure these shoppers back with fake robotic Chelsea Tractor Mums made of straw, in order to fool them into thinking that there remains a thriving community of consumers, that the brief appearance of the naked pedalers was only fleeting. Mall bosses are hoping that these measures will lure CTM’s back to the hungry tills, yet indications are that they are failing miserably. In a particularly worrying sign, several former CTM’s have been observed in recent days on Gloucester Rd, riding with the kids to school — the rosy glow returning to their cheeks.

 

A desperate meeting of Broadmead officials last week also resulted in the installation of giant freezer fans at the entrances to the mall, to be used in the event the naked cyclists return. According to unnamed staff of Mr. Bymore Plasticshite, executive director of the mall, the scheme has backfired, as the extra coal needed to be burned to power the giant freezers, has in turn warmed up the planet’s climate, and generated additional naked rides. Scientists are warning that this so-called feedback loop could end up producing runaway naked bike rides, until hopping on two wheels in the buff becomes the norm. “By then it will be too late. We must take decisive action now to halt the growing concentration of attractive bottoms flooding the high street. Our very way of life is under threat.”